Thursday, February 24, 2011

So, I didn't go to school today...

And I am feeling like a loser for it.  I inhaled my own stomach acid last night and it KILLED my throat and stomach.  It took me an hour just to get it all out of my trachea (wind pipe).  My stomach hurt so bad it felt like I had been punched.  My chest hurt too.  This doesn't happen often but when it does it hurts/scares me.  This will give me time to get caught up on my reading and get ahead.  I believe that is the key to getting an A.  The professors in lecture really only talk about the book.  I wish I had made it to Micro Lab though.  I really like the professor.  She is too fun and she really loves her area of expertise.  I can grasp the lab material.  I think it is because it is demonstrated for me.  Brings all the info together.

Last night the hubby and I had a serious "let's talk" talk.  We are poor.  And it is my fault.  We lost our home, our van, many of our possessions.  It is my fault because I have always been the bread winner.  I have always been in a sales position and brought home the bacon.  There is something wrong with me.  I cannot be happy selling advertising and making pretty good money.  I cannot be satisfied selling cars and making pretty good money.  Neither of those positions require a formal education and the money is there to be made.  So why didn't I stay?  Because I like to sabotage everything!  Seriously!  I am putting my family through hell just so I can achieve my dreams.  I am being unfair to them and to myself.  But then, I say, I have a partner.  Why can't he get out of his comfort zone and try something new, something that will make money?  I have held up this family for years.  I want a break.  I need a break to become what is in my heart.  Otherwise I will keep sabotaging every good position that comes my way.  What is wrong with me?  Is it a generational thing?  Ugh.  In my heart I know what great nurse I will be.  But I know I could also be a great teacher, great manager.  What makes me happiest?  Helping people.  Not into a car or into the yellowpages but in life.  Guessing nursing might be best.  I cuss too much to teach!

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